It all started with Van Halen's legal rider where they demanded the brown M&Ms be removed from the backstage M&M bowl during their tours. We thought it might be appropriate to create a rider for our ridewiths. (A ridewith is when winery representatives work with a distributor rep out in the field.) In beautiful response, an east coast rep (we've changed his name for legality/safety reasons) created a rider for his visit to our winery on Red Mountain! Enjoy this brilliant document by one of the greatest comedic minds in his very small town. Without further ado, here's the Winery Visit Rider:
Wark Mallace, DipWSET (His real name has been changed for legality/safety reasons.)
Red Mountain Rider 2018
Dear Hedges Family Estate Public Relations Team,
Please be advised of and adhere to the following rider in regards to Mr. Wallace’s upcoming visit to Red Mountain.
- Mr. Wallace is to be picked up at PSC Tri-Cities airport no later than 15 minutes prior to scheduled arrival in a clean Black oversized SUV that gets no more than 12 miles to the gallon. His driver is to be referred to as “Enzo”, regardless of actual name. Enzo is to not be too chatty and eye contact should be minimal. Shaking hands is prohibited.
- Oversize Black SUV should be left running in the unloading zone of PSC, and the AC set to 71 degrees F, and stocked with chilled Hildon sparkling water and glass bottles of Mexican Coca Cola. Enzo should have a pack of American Spirit cigarettes to offer Mr. Wallace, which he will decline. The stereo aux cable should be readily available and volume control accessible. Enzo should compliment Mr. Wallace’s choice of tunes.
- Mr. Wallace should arrive at Hedges Family Estate within 12 minutes of departing PSC. Police escort will be necessary.
- Upon arrival to HFE, Mr. Wallace’s accommodations shall be furnished with the following:
Gift basket welcoming Mr. Wallace containing the following HFE Branded items: Fleece Vest (L), Polo Shirt (L), HIP T-shirts (Men’s L, Women’s M), Olive oil produced at estate (1 bottle), Coffee Mug (1), Porcelain Plaque commemorating visit (1), HFE refrigerator magnet, Red Mountain Coffee table book, and Grapeseed soap produced at estate.
Hildon Water, Sparkling and Still (12 each) Glass Bottles of Mexican Coca Cola (6) La Croix Pamplemouse cans(12) An assortment of Hedges Family Estate current release wines, to be consumed using the Riedel“Fatta A Mano Old World Syrah” series stemware.
Modelo Especial “tall boy” cans (12) Pistachios (de-shelled) Hard boiled eggs (6, free-range organic only) Butter Toffee flavored Fiddle Faddle (1 box) Assortment of aged Soppresata, Mortadella, Prosciutto and Chorizo. Assortment of cheese: Brie de Meaux, Brillat Savarain, Idiazabal, Aged Manchego, Cypress Grove, Epoisses, Stilton, Mt Tam, Jasper Hill. A functioning La Pavoni espresso machine and 12 cup French press with light and medium roast options. 1 box of “Emergen-C” 1 small bottle of ibuprofen
5. During his stay at HFE, please be aware of the following, to ensure a pleasant visit:
A proper Southern breakfast that includes Antebellum Heirloom Grits and biscuits from scratch should be available every morning by 7 am. Please note, that the only allowable ingredients in grits are salt and butter. (This is a common mistake made outside of the southern U.S.)
Because of the time zone difference, it will be necessary to allow Mr. Wallace to nap twice a day on the sofa in the tasting room, from 10:45 to 11:30 a.m., and from 2:45 to 3:30 p.m. Please make plans to escort visitors out during this time, and request that employees lower their voices, regardless of proximity to tasting room. Please also provide a hammock available at various points throughout the property, with a small neck pillow.
Regardless of itinerary, Mr. Wallace is accustomed to a 5:00 pm bubble bath and champagne. Bath should be drawn between 89-94 degrees with a natural blend of honey/lavender/ginger bubble formula. Champagne should be Grand Cru or Grand Marques from a major house from no later than 2000 vintage. Champagne should be served in Reidel “Extreme Rose Champagne”collection stemware. Champagne must be opened via sabrage in Mr. Wallace’s presence.
The Atlanta Braves will be playing every day at 4:00 – 7:30pm PST. A minimum 65 inch 1080 HD TV with 5.1 stereo surround sound will be necessary during these hours. If anyone is a fan of the following teams, they should be temporarily dismissed from the property: Philadelphia Phillies, St. Louis Cardinals, Washington Nationals, LA Dodgers, NY Mets, NY Yankees.
Please prepare and have a back-up plan in the event of a cable or satellite outage.
Every evening upon retiring, Christophe should personally “tuck in” Mr. Wallace and bid him “nighty night”. If still awake upon tucking in, Christophe may read verse from Chaucer or poems from Whitman or Thoreau, until asleep. If there is a winery dog and he is a good boy, he should be permitted to sleep at the foot of the bed. Please ensure there is a sound machine capable of emitting white noise or rain forest sounds on bed stand.
A professional photographer should be present to document the visit for social media. The HFE social media department should use the following “themed” hashtags for the week to drive Instagram traffic and likes: #wallaceinwashtington #walkerandwallaceinwallawalla #northwestnamaste #christophelovesme #irrigationpondskinnydipping #bemorepacific #pnwshakedown
All social media posts should be approved for content and proper filter usage prior to official posting.
A professional Shiatsu masseuse/chiropractor should be available on site at all times.
A minimum of 3 oxygen tanks should be available at all times, in addition to a medical professional who can administer a B-12 shot.
Failure to adhere to these requests will result in a series of negative Amazon reviews of novels by Boo Walker.
If any questions or concerns should arise while on the premises, please email Mr. Wallace and allow 24-48 hours for reply.